Well, I said I'd bring cake.

I spent the time away from my blog thinking about what it is I actually want from blogging -what I want to say and how I want to come across, yunno, those sort of things- and I've come to a conclusion.

I like some of my posts on here and I love all of the comments you've posted over the year(s, OMG) so rather than delete Nothing Special, I'm just going to move to a new blog. This way I can continue writing but in a more anonymous fashion, for now anyway, whilst still keeping some of my readers.

If you want my new blog's URL, leave a comment and I'll email it to you. After a while I will post the link in the comment section of this post, once I figure out when I'm ready.

Happy blogging :)

Truly Nothing Special.

Everything’s gone grey. My least favourite colour. Not even the nice, soft grey that I can tolerate. More the unappealing grey that comes with an outline-blurring, image-distorting mist. It’s creeping over my brain, it’s saturating it and I’m starting to lose myself in the haze.

In the past few months, things that I once found easy or fun to do have become so laborious and difficult that I no longer see why they're even worth the effort in the first place. There’s no drive anymore. Not for drawing, nor blogging, nor working, nor driving, nor even making conversation. I’ve no energy to spare on little things.

Twice in the space of the last three days I’ve almost convinced myself into taking the day off school because never getting out of bed again feels like the best idea I’ve ever had.

The more these days wear on, the more I’m sure it is.

People are starting to notice and comment on how introverted I’m becoming, or how I “constantly” look down or how I’m “constantly” distant or how I "constantly" put myself down. Ironic really as this just makes me feel worse than I probably already do. Ironic too that the word “constantly” is used by them so much. It’s so far from what’s going on that it’s almost laughable. Nothings constant with me anymore.

You’ll find me some days in the library, wearing that smile that makes my face look like a football. I’ll be the Jemma that everyone knows. The Jemma who is madly in love. The Jemma who enthusiastically draws up plans for giant Slip n Slides that involve starting from the roof of her house, to crossing several roads before ending with a complementary doughnut in a park several hundred metres away. She’ll be completely up for building it and doing the first test ride and she’ll make a joke with reference to your mum last night because she just can’t help herself.

Other days you’ll find me sitting in the library, not saying a word. I’ll be the Jemma that confuses people. The Jemma who despite how hard she tries cant make the effort to hide how she feels with the football face smile or crazy idea. She’ll sit there straining her ears whilst she stares in space. Her paranoid thoughts will kick in. Are they nearby? Are they listening to our conversation? Do they hate us? Are they laughing about us? She confuses herself over who “they” are in the library, and she’ll want nothing more than to take cover in the shadows so that no one will notice her and she wont have to deal with it. She’ll desperately want an offered hug because he makes her feel safe and loved, but she’ll refuse for fears of drawing attention to herself. She'll hate herself for this. She’ll do anything to stay invisible. She'll get irritated, even angry, if she can't.

And so it has been going. Rocketing on an extreme high one moment, then plummeting down so fast the next that I cant keep up. I can’t deal with it. It’s got to the point where no longer know how to react in situations, I cant predict my reactions, I cant take things in my stride. I’m paranoid all the time, flipping between happy and sad. It’s relentless and so, so tiring. It’s overwhelming me.

I hate boring you all with my self indulgent wittering and going on. I know for a fact I’ll read this post in the morning, hate it, delete it and replace it with a 6 word one that has more relevance. If you read my blog you'll have noticed that my posts are becoming few an far between anyway, and even when they do appear they are nothing more than a few meaningless words or a worthless photograph. I've been trying, I really have, but I can’t do it anymore.

I’ve lost my direction and so too has my blog, so I guess this is goodbye. I think I need to take some time out and get my head straight. This is only going to get worse if I do nothing about it.

Thank you for your comments and ideas over the past year and a bit, you’ve all made my day at one point or another and encouraged me, which is something truly special.

Thanks too to those invisible readers I have, I’m sure you guys are really nice.

I’ll meet you back here if I blog again. I’ll bring cake.

You Know You're Failing When...

The closest you come to writing your Sociology essay is seeing your teacher in Morrissons.

Guess what happened today.

Dear HPV vaccination,

You're currently sloshing around my body -well, I think you're sloshing, you could be surging, flooding or even meandering through my spaghetti veins - or are you in my muscles tissue? Whatever, I don't know, my important leaflet was transformed into a paper aeroplane and I drifted off in that 'informative' assembly.

You feel like you're sloshing. You feel like you've mutated from the tiny needleful you were into an burning torrent that's swelling in my arm. You're being sneaky too - its not even swelling that everyone else can see, oh no. It's hidden, internal swelling that makes me look like a waffling hypochondriac when I stiffly move my arm and wince.

Oh yeah, you thought I'd missed that. You thought I wouldn't notice that the "only around the site of injection" claim was a complete lie. What you really meant was "the entire arm, shoulder, neck and chest" didn't you? Not that I'm complaining, of course. I simply love the prospect of not being able to properly use a fork or tie my own shoe laces for a week.

Is this revenge?

Revenge for my original skeptical attitude towards you? Or the hesitant research I did before agreeing to you? Perhaps I called you the HVP jag once too often...

Something tells me I'm getting off lightly though. Despite your oddly sneaky side effects, you're doing me a great deal of good - you're protecting me against the two most common strains of HPV that eventually lead to cervical cancer.

I realise my painful arms are irrelevant.

You're completely worth it.

Wordles

I'm sure you've seen these wordles all over the place, but I've just checked them out. They are pretty neat!

Despite the fact that its focused on my newest posts, I think the jist of my blog is summed up pretty well.

However, I don't mention pancakes often enough. ;)

Oddness.

I've been discovering a few things these past few days. Just odd things like the kind that pops into your head whilst you're in the shower that make you pause and think, yunno? Those sorta things.

Like why do when I go to get a tissue from the bathroom, do I switch on the light on my way out - despite knowing that its been off the whole time?

Or like how my name is Jemma. Jemma is what people think of when they think of me, they identify me as the word Jemma. I don't, and that's weird.

Or like how I say yoghurt funnily. Yo-girt.

Or how James and I are so couplsey, we both managed to get the exact same overall mark for the Physics prelim.

Or like how James's mum and dad are hilariously awesome to the extent that they have photos of their younger selves holding monkeys that are dressed up. (No, I don't know either.) I love them. And their son, obviously.

Did you realise Sellotape isn't spelt with a C? Nopes, I didn't either. I've always spelt it Cellotape.

Crazy things that these filter round my head all day, its a wonder I actually manage to do anything else, they're so distracting! I perhaps should write them down in my diary...

Speaking of diaries, I found one I wrote when I was in Primary 6. That's about what, 7 years ago? James has read bits of it and he says I've not changed any, so here's an extract as to what I was doing on Valentines Day 7 years ago. Don't laugh, I was a nerdy little kid :D

"Today I went to music club, it was boring. All they did was sing. Our teacher wants us to perform a play for our parents one day about a fireking and snow. I got the part of a waitress called Daisy. She only says a few lines so it looks fun and Penny's a waitress too. She's called Katie. After that I came home and played my game-boy before having tea. More pancakes! I love pancakes. We then all went a walk with Trouble and when we came home I just went straight to bed."

In other news, love you James!

Because I Love These.

Awesome. Just awesome.